Life is like a roller coaster. Just hold on tight when it's going down.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

21 Mar 2013 - New Year

New Year

So, the OJT phase carried on for me in 120 SQN after promotion. Life repeated in a cycle, until the faithful day of New Year's Eve.

Usually, this day is full of joy, beginnings and happiness. Take note of this. So, it begins with me thinking of how to actually spend this day, which most of the time, is spent by celebrating and counting down. Okay, shouldn't be hard to find people to countdown with right?

So I approached my secondary school friends, and guess what? Not free. Don't feel like going out. Going out with girlfriend. But, they were free in the morning, and they didn't mind going out in the morning, just not at night.

That would have been fine with me, but my ownage of a SQN decided to have a full working day for us while every other battalion, unit or part of army were having a half day and releasing their men, who are not on duty, to enjoy themselves. BUT NO, operational squadron, 24/7. Fine, one out, well, they are not my only friends anyway, so I told myself this should be okay. But somehow, at the back of my mind, I knew this wasn't going to end well.

So I approached my JC friends. Not free. Already have plans. *BAM* Strike two. You've gotta be kidding me. I mean it's a NEW YEAR?! I can't even find people to hang out with.

Well, seeing that I was already stuck at SQN, why not try my luck with my colleagues? Yeah, I tried asking around, and to my surprise, there were actually people like me, who were still trying to find last minute plans. And finally, I managed to gather enough people to hang out with, to make the beginning of another year, not so.... dreadful.

All the chit-chatting and all the discussions, and everything seemed well. So finally, we were released, thinking we had plans for tonight. However, when we were released, all hell breaks loose -.-

One by one, people starting bailing out on me. Not free. Have plans. Suddenly, all the same reason I have heard before, were being thrown at me once again.

Yeah, so I went back home, and tried one last attempt at gathering people to hang out with. I tried calling a lot of people in my contacts, appealing everywhere. I never stop giving up hope, until 11pm. I gave up, and watched Justice League Unlimited, the cartoon, waiting for the arrival of 2013.

I realised, how pathetic I was. Alone. I know this may seem like an overreaction, but it's just not the way I envisioned myself. Maybe it's me, too much of a loudmouth, too annoying to be with right? I don't know. All I know is, it's during nights like this, where you have no idea who to turn to, and to realise you are really alone. Expectations only make you hurt a lot more when things fall apart. It's like a catalyst. You feel great when things go smoothly, but you will feel like the worse piece of crap if things screw up.

Sometimes I really wonder, is that the reason why we were brought to this world alone? Not because we have to find someone else, to accompany us for the rest of our lives. But actually, to experience heartbreak, loss and betrayal. And then part this world alone. Maybe? Just trying to keep an open mind here. Though I think I sound a lot more sad, disappointed and maybe suicidal than I actually am. It's more or less, just a thought.

Or maybe a sign I am going mad. Yeah, I think I just care too much about other people, be it my friends, family or just acquaintance. I hate it when people have negative opinions about me. Yes, I know I can't please the world, because there's always going to be someone who's going to point the finger at you, saying you are wrong in some way or another. But I can't help it. Sort of like an in-built program in a computer. This is just me.

I get paranoid when people start whispering in front of me, looking in my direction. I would always think they are talking about me. And not in a good way. I hate it. I hate being so paranoid. Caring so much. Is there a way to like stop it? I have no idea. I try my best to concentrate on other things in my life, but somehow, when no one is around, I am listening to my own music, I start thinking, "Maybe, I am really that much of an asshole, to have people always talking bad about me in the first place."

Reflection on my own past has only led me to a darker place. Somehow, I can't seem to channel enough positive energy to keep myself going everyday. I can run out of life too, you know?

-Signing Off-

I'm still breathing;
8:57 PM