Life is like a roller coaster. Just hold on tight when it's going down.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

28/04/2010

I Broke Down TOTALLY

Hi people!

It hurts me to say that we have lost to RV 3-4. REALLY. IT HURTS.

I don't feel like describing the match because its pretty boring to people who don't understand. So I will just fast forward it to what happen when the final whistle was blown.

I stood up from the goalpost and threw my helmet into the bench. Supposedly, went to congratulate them. I was already on the verge of breaking down already. Then, Bing Heng came up to me. I didn't know what to say but just murmured sorry. Congratulating them was painful to me. It was really that bad. Immediately after that, I picked up my stuff and went out for team debrief. Only Licheng was there then.

When I saw Licheng, I couldnt take it anymore. I just broke down. This IS really my first time breaking down in public. Like I really couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I just cried. And thanks a lot to Licheng for lending me your lap to cry on. I guess it just sucks. All the goals I let in could have been stopped. I dont know why I didn't. If I had stopped any of them, we could have walked out of the court with heads held high! Furthermore, with 30s left on the clock, I threw a lousy throw-out causing our team to lose possession just like that. I felt like a loser, like I have let the team down and all. And all the words that everyone said only made me felt worse. Its just I felt like I let down all the seniors who have pinned so much hopes on me. It just occur to me that it was their last run for nationals and I screwed it up for them. The feeling sucks, really. TTM. I hate to be the cause of it. It felt as though I have failed the team. I didn't even dare to look into the eyes of any seniors for I was ashamed of myself for letting them down. That's how I felt.

After team debrief, I felt worse. Although Caleb was telling them how well I did for a first-timer and all, I felt like I didn't do enough. It sucks. REALLY.

I felt so bad that I wanted to talk to someone who could understand how I feel. Not like, 'you did very well' kind of understand. I need the kind of understanding that I didn't do my best and I screwed it up for the team. I scanned my phonebook. Guess what? I couldn't find a single guy to talk to. I realised that I have NO GUY CLOSE FRIENDS IN HC. I didn't want to contact people from CHS as they have different stuff from us. Thanks a lot to everyone who have encouraged me one way or another. From phone calls to SMS-es. EVERYTHING. It's these kind of small things that I really appreciate.

It feels kinda good when you realised that there are people who actually care about you. People who are willing to be there when shit goes down for you. It's exactly cause of that, I have picked myself up from this thrash and walk on. I would give nothing less than my all on Friday. For everyone cares.

Thanks a lot once again for everyone who has helped one way or another. LOVE YOU GUYS TTM. THANK YOU.

That's all for today,
Failure is not something to be ashamed of,
Not giving your best is.
SEE YA

I'm still breathing;
10:23 PM